


Set me free if you can't have me

by Lamnc



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, F/F, Friends With Benefits, Light Angst, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:14:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28711074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lamnc/pseuds/Lamnc
Summary: Despite that, before you know, your life was stranded with hers like vines. You could not love if it wasn’t her. She was the main source of your joy and sadness, your tears and smiles.She became your gravity — sometimes pulling you up, and other times dragging you down.
Relationships: Leah Williamson/Jordan Nobbs
Comments: 3
Kudos: 37





	Set me free if you can't have me

\-------------  
Prologue

At first it was just a little spark. 

Then days passed, months passed and years passed. Then the little spark turned to a raging forest fire, causing passion, causing danger, causing damages. 

The more you know about her, the more intense the feelings, the more space she occupies your heart.

You became more drawn to her the more time you spent with her. Your heart started to only beat for her. Your ears started to crave nothing but her voice and laugh.

Your body started to crave nothing but be closer and closer to her; It craved her subtle touches under the lights; the sweet and intimate ones when the place and timing were right; and the hot and fiery ones at night.

Yet no matter how furious your love for her was, how close your bodies were, you could not truly belong to each other.

Despite that, before you know, your life was stranded with hers like vines. You could not love if it wasn’t her. She was the main source of your joy and sadness, your tears and smiles.

She became your gravity — sometimes pulling you up, and other times dragging you down.

\-------------

You first met Jordan when you were thirteen and she was seventeen. 

You were an academy player for Arsenal, and she was the new signing for the senior women’s team. 

“This is Jordan.” Your coach introduced her to you and your teammates, with a proud grin. “She is the future of our senior team.” She added, “might as well be the future of our sport.”

You doubted that. 

There stood in front of you a seventeen-year old Jordan Nobbs, who sounded shy and sheepish, and looked tiny and meek. She looked like the most unthreatening person in this entire world.

It was hard to imagine her to be the future of your club or women’s football.

You kept staring, eventually Jordan caught your eyes and flashed you a gentle smile. 

You continued to stare at each other, until your cheeks were a little flushed, suddenly feeling a bit shy. Then you lowered your gaze and turned your attention to other things.

Years later, when you look back at that, you realize that something must have started from there.

At first, you and Jordan merely existed in the same club. You knew her name. You met her a couple times. You sometimes watched her games and analyzed her style of play. 

As time passed, you grew to appreciate her energy and techniques on the pitch. You sometimes got a bit too excited when you saw her orchestrate the midfield, score difficult goals, or when you saw how her presence breathed life into the whole team.

You were totally not obsessed with Jordan Nobbs. 

\-------------

You made your senior club debut at the age of eighteen. 

You still remember the first time you stepped into the senior team’s dressing room, feeling overwhelmed by the thought that you could now play with players you grew up watching.

Jordan had been there for you since day one. 

It was Jordan who smiled the widest and the warmest when the manager introduced you into the team.

It was Jordan who invited you to go to lunch with her, along with Dan and Alex.

Since then you have become a part of her friend group, and Jordan has become an irreplaceable part of your life.

For a while, you were inseparable.

Back then the female players were so underpaid that they had to share flats. You used to always stay at Jordan and her roommates’. You technically still lived with your mum and brother, but you stayed there so often that you had your own drawer and seat.

You learnt a lot about Jordan as a person.

You found that she was extremely wise, serious and diligent on the pitch, but careless, funny and chill outside it.

You found that she was basically still a child, who was trying to take care of herself.

You found that she was a hopeless romantic, who never ceased to love her ex-girlfriend Emma.

Sometimes at night, you dreamed about Jordan. You dreamed about her brown eyes, her small frame, her signature smile; you dreamed about her silly jokes, the sound of her laughter, and the way she makes everyone happy.

You totally didn’t have a crush on Jordan.

\-------------

Jordan was always gentle with you.

The time you broke up with your first girlfriend Gen, your world was devastated. 

You met Gen at school and instantly fell in love with her. She was the captain of the school basketball team. You found her cute smile attractive when you first met her.

You were together for around six months. You were constantly fighting. In the name of love, you were inflicting pain and causing harm to each other. 

Trust issues were there since the very beginning of your relationship.

It was an unhealthy relationship and you knew it was deemed to be a failure, but still, you did not see this coming.

You never thought she would cheat on you after all you two had gone through.

You never in a million years thought she would cheat on you with your other friend in school.

You never thought you would find out about this when you were using your friend’s phone.

It was like some crappy TV drama, yet it happened to you.

You called Jordan with a cracked voice in a drunk state that night. 

“Leah? What happened?” She sounded genuinely concerned.

She went to find you at 1 am at night, and your mom let her in because she was worried about you as well and you wouldn’t tell her anything.

When Jordan opened her arms, you did not hesitate to fall into them, because you felt safe with the smell and presence of Jordan.

Then you two sat on the edge of your bed embracing.

You let yourself cry on Jordan’s lap, because you knew she understood.

She put her arm around you and you let her. She let her fingers gently brush over your shoulder and your back.

“It’s gonna be fine.” She said with a sad smile. “You’ll find someone better.” 

Then you kissed her.

Her lips tasted like her strawberry lip gloss and the salt from your tears, you thought.

Jordan was visibly surprised, then confused. Your lips touched for a split second, before she pushed you away gently. 

“You don’t want this.” She said with a sad smile. “You are just sad.”

“I want this.” You pleaded with a pathetic tone. Your voice was hoarse and your eyes were red from crying. 

Before Jordan could reply, you recaptured her lips and swallowed her resistance. Your hands travelled down to the small of her back, exploring. Your gaze reached up to hers seeking for consent.

This time, she did not flinch and instead responded to your kiss. She opened her mouth and let your tongue slip in. Her hands roamed over your back, before travelling to your hips and thighs.

The temperature of your room went up. Tension grew and heat was burning inside you. 

You got rid of your shirt and slipped out of your jeans. There you stood with just your black bra and black underwear.

Then you gave Jordan a questioning look, half-expecting her to do the same.

“Are you sure?” She asked softly.

“Please.” You pleaded again.

Jordan nodded, and your lips connected again.

\-------------

You woke up feeling awful. Your muscles ached and your head hurt.

You tried to roll to the left side of your bed for a scratch, and you panicked when you found that someone was beside you.

Then the memories of last night rushed back to you.

You looked over and Jordan was sleeping soundly beside you, her mouth slightly opened, her right hand reaching for the left side of your body.

You melted at that sight. If only you could see this sight every morning.

You wanted to put your hands around her and entangle your legs with hers.

You wanted to place your lips onto Jordan’s forehead.

You wanted to continue what you two hadn’t finished the night before.

Looking back, you had fallen for Jordan long before you fell for Gen. 

Your feeling for her was a small secret you kept in the bottom of your heart, but it exploded the night before with your breakup. That was why you called Jordan in the first place.

You craved for her consoling. You craved for her warmth. You craved for Jordan.

You kept staring and suddenly came Jordan’s sleepy voice, “You know, I can feel you staring.”

She looked over at your direction and gave you a smile, before closing her eyes again.

You two didn’t talk about this. 

You never did, even though you should have. 

\-------------

This had become a pattern for a while. 

The two of you continued to have your regular sleepovers in Jordan’s flat. 

Instead of sleeping on the bunk bed in their guest room, you now slept on Jordan’s bed in her room.

Instead of maintaining careful distance between the two of you, you now only kept distance when there were people around you. 

You remained strictly platonic around your teammates, or at least you had tried to.

Katie, who shared the flat with Jordan, noticed how the bed sheet of their bunk bed was always neat, even after you stayed overnight.

Alex noticed how there seemed to be what she called “sexual tension” between you and Jordan. 

The most insufferable one was Dan, who started to give the two of you smirks and weird looks, which made you blush and constantly want to smack her.

And whenever it was just the two of you, it seemed impossible for you not to touch each other.

Those nights you spent together, you entwined your bodies and moaned against each other’s mouths. 

Those following mornings, you were either cuddling or fighting for the blanket.

It felt so right yet so wrong.

Your feelings only got stronger by days, and you started to want Jordan not only as a fuck buddy, but someone you could kiss whenever you wanted to; someone you could take out for a romantic date and give roses to.

More importantly, you wanted to be loved by her.

You knew that Jordan was still in contact with Emma, and was constantly trying to get back with her. You were just a companion for Jordan to make her feel less lonely.

Sometimes you could not help but hate Jordan for being selfish.

But deep down, you knew you were just as selfish as Jordan. 

You didn’t want whatever was going on between the two of you to end, firstly because you just got out of a relationship and wanted some warmth and consolement.

And secondly, you were making a gamble — that one day things would change, and Jordan would learn to love you back.

\-------------

Jordan was meeting up with Emma on a Friday night.

They would meet up in a fancy restaurant with fancy candles, decoration and wine, which pretty much seemed like a date night to you.

Jordan told you about this that morning, when you were changing into clothes and picking up the mess from the night before. 

Your mind immediately went blank and you didn’t know how to react.

That night, you secretly followed Jordan to her “date”.

You sat a few tables away from theirs, observing Jordan and Emma from the darkness like a middle-aged housewife trying to catch her husband with his mistress.

Your behaviour was ridiculous and you wanted to laugh at yourself. 

You wondered how and why you would find yourself in such a situation.

The thing was, they barely even touched each other. They just ate, drank wine and discussed things throughout the night, like the mature adults they were.

On the other hand, you acted like a three-year old throwing a tantrum because you couldn't get what you wanted.

You felt betrayed and furious, even though you and Jordan were never a thing.

You felt so small, when compared to the woman you were currently watching, the one sitting on the opposite side of the table to Jordan.

You didn’t even know why you came. 

But deep down you knew exactly why. 

You were trying to see through the veil, to find out where you stood and what you meant for Jordan.

Apparently, you meant nothing, at least nothing more than a fuck buddy.

\-------------

Dua Lipa said, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone.

So you tried out a dating app.

When the app asked you to fill out your type, you wrote: small-framed athletic person with a good personality, preferably a woman. 

You received many DMs, met some people and went on a few dates.

There was this girl from the fencing team of a local university, but was unfortunately boring and humourless. 

You could not help but compare her to Jordan, and how Jordan could always make you laugh.

There was this guy, whose life was vastly different from yours. He was funny and talkative, but he was living in the U.S.

Or there was this London girl whom you had unfortunately no interest in. She was either bragging about her job or talking about her cat. 

On your first date, she tried to take you home to “see her cats”, and you refused politely to that.

You hate cats. You have always found them cold and arrogant, and you just could not bond with them.

In comparison, dogs are soft and warm, cute and silly, but strong and cool. You have always been a dog person, just like Jordan. You love dogs and you were used to having them near you.

Your tinder experience was unfortunately an epic failure.

\-------------

It seemed that Jordan and Emma were finally having some progress.

Jordan would spend most of her time staring at her phone and smiling fondly at it. You would spend most of your time staring at Jordan doing that, feeling annoyed.

The other day, Jordan was planning to send some flowers to Emma for Valentine’s Day. She asked your opinion on that. 

“Just send her some roses. She’d like them.” You said in a nonchalant tone, pretending not to care.

Roses were your favorite flowers. You used to watch your father send them to your mum before they got sick of each other, before they quarreled with each other non-stop and eventually got divorced.

“How about you, Leah?” She asked you with a soft grin. “What kind of flowers do you like?”

She was always gentle and caring, and you hated her for that sometimes.

So you said, “I hate flowers.”

You received some roses on Valentine's Day nevertheless. 

They say red roses are for lovers, yellow roses are for friends, so you received the yellow ones and Emma received the red ones.

You kept sleeping together, but you knew Jordan would end whatever you two were doing any minute if Emma asked her to.

You knew that you were playing in a losing game. You lost it before you even started. You had always known that but you played along it anyway.

\-------------

You went to Jamaica for Christmas with Keira and Lucy.

Keira and Lucy, who had been dating for a long while, and were very in love with each other. 

You were climbing rocks and mountains, running on the hills, playing in the water under a waterfall, building sand castles on a beach.

Love was in the air, between Keira and Lucy. They were constantly touching and smiling at each other. You knew just by seeing them, how in love they were with each other.

You wanted to be happy for them, but you couldn’t.

How to find someone who looked at you the way Lucy looked at Keira, or vice versa? They were the definition of “in love”.

Is there anyone who would actually love you?

Why did love only hurt you? Isn’t love supposed to be healing?

When you were younger, you fell in love with Gen. She did love you, but her love just didn’t feel right. It felt more like hate than love.

Then there was Jordan, who would never love you more than a friend, and you two would never be more than that.

You looked at Jordan, and she stared back at you with a questioning look. You shook your head slightly.

“Nothing.” You said.

Jordan noticed your obvious bad mood despite the perfect scenery. She held out her hand for you to hold. Then you kissed her on her lips just because you could and you wanted to.

Her hand was never meant for you to hold. Her lips were never meant for you to kiss.

You did both nonetheless.

You saw Keira shoot you a disapproving look, but you just shrugged and ignored her.

What differences did that make anyway?

You sat on the quiet beach, watching as the waves came and retrieved, leaving no mark on the sand. 

\-------------

One night after you and Jordan had sex, you were lying on bed with Jordan spooning you from behind. 

Her breath hit your neck steadily, indicating that she was already asleep.

You couldn’t sleep, so you turned on your phone and plugged in your headphones to listen to a night show.

A song — about how a girl lost herself because she fell in love, was playing on the radio.

You felt the weight and ache within you, and could no longer ignore them.

So you muttered to Jordan, “Set me free if you can’t have me.”

Jordan didn’t hear that. 

She was sleeping, with a soft smile on her face, probably having a sweet dream.

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by one of my favourite songs "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles and many other fanfictions I have read.
> 
> This is my first fiction and English is my second language, so please don't be harsh ;)
> 
> — Mal


End file.
